i made it through hell! it's over and i am so.... i don't even know how to feel. it's crazy! i am happy... not feeling great, but doing much better physically overall. my doctors are very pleased with the progress, they cannot feel the cancerous cells or lumps in my neck... and gratefully, neither can i!
so, why so gloomy today? when my doctor said she didn't need to see me until the end of july, i felt sad. now what? at least while during chemotherapy, as awful as it was, i was attacking the cancer, killing it... i had a plan of action and was doing it! well... more decisions to be made now.
i felt awful overall throughout my chemotherapy experience, especially during the first four treatments and the weeks following them. That is when i had to take an awful concoction of A/C (Adriamycin and Cytoxan)... i was so ridiculously sick! my (most recent) last four treatments of taxol have been so good to me, i have only been feeling extreme fatigue, some joint and stomach pain. of course there's always confusion (chemo brain) and downright depression... ! i know that all sounds terrible, but really my first month and a half i could hardly get around... i spent days in bed with my head bent over into a bowl... i lost about 15 pounds. my poor mother was here during the worst of it... oh! we have been through some stress! the taxol has been much better because i have been spending a ton of time with my children going to the pool and just hanging out. i have been able to workout from time to time. Of course, thanks to keith’s mother (nana Linda) I am able to spend that quality time with the kids because she is holding down our household just awesome! I could not do this without her!
Right now managing the stress and depression has been the most difficult to me. Cancer is a lonely place to be. I am angry with it and am just downright sick of it! I want to take the month of july off… but I know that once I see my surgeon this Thursday, (june 28) she’ll want to get started. We really need to get that tumor out of me. I worry about the complications and most of all recurrence. I cannot live my life worrying about this though. I want to make the most of my time…. So I suppose that’s really “the plan”.
this was supposed to be just a quick post to update everyone and to give some "shout outs". i really should be sleeping. i am just so moved by all of my personal experiences and connections with so many other souls, new friends and old... family and all!
i was alone today for my visit with my doctor and the first half of infusion. my dear friend, karen wood, came to visit with me and take me home. i will talk more about her in a minute. i decided this morning that i would refuse to watch the television while getting my drugs. i wanted to spend the time reading some of the letters that i have received through all of this. believe me there are many and i am so overwhelmed with emotion, joy and truthfully... i guess an insecurity that i could never truly show the appreciation i have for it all... it's really so much. i could not have gotten through this without the lovely people who have reached out in so many different ways. it's hard to go back and read those letters. they are filled with love and they just make me cry... but it's a good cry. i have started to write back to those and i intend to reach out to everyone... even if it takes me the rest of my time here. i am so blessed to have so much love around me. and my children... what a wonderful gift they are to me.
i want to talk about karen because from the first day i met her i have felt an instant bond with her. i can't explain it... but she is just lovely and she is helping me in more ways than she probably knows. i love her so much and i can feel that she is so special.
thank you to karen and her reiki practice.
i also want to talk about nana linda... she is a remarkable woman. i have been so blessed to have this time to bond with her and learn more about her. she has put her life on hold to be here with me and the kids. my heart is filled with the experience of being close to her (living close and growing close to her emotionally). she is very loving and cares so much... the bond she shares with her sisters is something to really be admired. she has cared for many people in her life and i take great joy in having her as an example to me. it's hard not living close to my own parents, and i am so grateful to them for the time they were able to be here with us as well.
to everyone... please know that i have all your letters... i remember it all... the gifts, the prayers, the fasts, the blessings, the kind words, the advice, the words of encouragement, the donations, the care for my children, the flowers, the bracelets, the sudoku, the luau, the hats, the hugs, the shawl, the comfort you've provided, the treats, the rides to and from the hospital or acupuncture, madmen, the gifts and crafts for the kids, the housekeeping, the acupuncture, the bachelorette viewing parties (the ipad), the personal experiences shared, pregnant woman pushing my stalled car and figuring out jumper cables!, the leg and foot rubs, the photos, the time, the love, my nurses (mary), lisa gauchay, my doctors, steiner pool, my children, sprinklers, huntsman, utah, the pharmacist who always smiles, the friendly glances, people who have complimented my awesomely shaped head, the talks, grandpa roy, someone even showed me their boobs... so i could see what reconstruction would be like!... i could go on and on!!!!! i am overwhelmed... but in a good way... a very good way!
keith... i love you babe... so much! this is a difficult road... we can make it through... we will! i am proud of you! how could i have ever gone through this without keith?
dates:
thursday, june 28, meet with surgeon to discuss surgery options... need to decide what to do!
july, 11, post chemo full body scan... i hope we killed it all! my doctor joked that's when the radiologist typically calls her to tell her how amazing she is!
i will do my best to keep everyone updated!
they all sang to me on my last day of chemo, i also received a certificate of graduation and a beautiful donated blanket.
.jpg)
